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Understanding the cycle
Breaking the negative cycle
This resource explains how negative patterns develop in relationships. It describes a common cycle where a small trigger initiates a chain reaction, activating fear of disconnection. This fear leads to reactivity and self-protection, triggering the partner to do the same, resulting in escalation and disconnection instead of support and repair. The page provides space to insert a detailed explanation of this cycle.
🔄 Step-by-Step: How the Cycle Unfolds
Follow the progression of the negative cycle. We'll analyze the trigger, each partner's reactions (emotional, behavioral, and internal dialogue), and how it escalates, creating distance instead of support.
🧠 The more each partner protects themselves, the more the other feels unsafe, and the deeper the cycle goes.
Step 1: trigger
It might be something small—a look, a tone, silence, or a forgotten task. But it creates a sense of disconnection or fear of rejection.
Recognize common self-protective responses such as criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
When we feel emotionally unsafe, we often go into defensive modes. These are human and understandable—but they often push our partner further away.
Criticism & blame
Attacking a partner's character or actions instead of addressing specific issues.
“You never help!” (attacking the person, not the behavior)
Contempt
Expressing disdain or disrespect through insults, mockery, or hostile humor.
Sarcasm, eye-rolling, superiority, belittling
Stonewalling
Withdrawing from interaction, refusing to communicate or respond.
Shutting down, becoming unresponsive
Defensiveness
Responding to criticism with counter-accusations or justifications, avoiding responsibility.
Denying responsibility, counter-attacking
Passive Agression
Withdrawing affection or cooperation
Distancing or Control
Avoiding intimacy, rationalizing, "managing" emotions instead of sharing them
Unreliable/Unreal Standards
Judging whose needs are "valid", intellectualizing instead of empathizing
Build Healthier Connections - Relational Coping (The Repair Path)
Instead of reacting with defence, we can choose to reach from vulnerability, not reactivity.
✨ New Choice: From Protecting to Reaching
Escaping the cycle doesn’t require perfection—just awareness and intention. Every time you pause the loop and choose connection, you’re rewiring your relationship for security.
✅ Validate
“That makes sense that you felt overwhelmed.”
1
🪞 Acknowledge & Repair
“I see where I went wrong. I’m sorry.”
2
🙏 Express Gratitude or Affection
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
3
💬 Clarify Needs Positively
“What I need is more closeness, not space.”
4
🤝 Invite Reconnection
“Can we take a moment to try again?”
5
🧠 Hold Curiosity Instead of Judgment
“Help me understand what was happening for you.”
6
📘 How We Use This in Therapy
In sessions, we’ll map your cycle without judgment. You’ll each learn:
• What emotions drive your protective responses • How your behaviors trigger your partner (and vice versa) • How to repair, de-escalate, and reconnect through emotional safety
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict, but to turn it into a doorway to deeper connection.
Dr. Lena Feygin
Psychologist, Systemic Family Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy
Dr. Lena Feygin is an Emotionally Focused Therapist and Systemic Family Therapist, specializing in relationship dynamics and conflict resolution. Her expertise lies in identifying and addressing negative patterns in relationships, helping couples break free from destructive cycles.
